Reconciliation, Dr. Emdad Khan

Alhamdulillah, we have many kinds, moral, compassionate, helpful people in the community, neighborhood or society. However, sometimes, we meet unhealthy and challenging or “toxic” persons.  We say A -30 % people are good better best, ready to help others, in the community, 60% neutral, busy with themselves, 10% people handling are challenging.

This is a common human experience in day to day and we need to calmly deal with toxic people or unpleasant events. We should work to reconcile and when possible to change those people to be our good friends

Events/Mistakes: An unpleasant event happens, we get upset and make some mistakes. But the event is only 10%, how we handle the event is 90%. It can make us bitter or better. It is often difficult for us to accept our mistakes, forgive others, and move on.  We must be patient and give time for things to settle down, as time is the best healer.

Consider as Family members: We should consider people around us or in the community like the members of our own family. The old men and women are like our parents, the adults/youths are like our brothers and sisters, and the young ones are like our children.

Our attitudes: The reason for our anxiety and depression is our attitudes toward the problems that come on our way. We tend to give up even before trying. If we take some steps towards the solution, we do it half-heartedly.

Optimistic: We should be proactive and optimistic. We should have a strong conviction that everything happens by the will of Allah and that He can make anything happen which he wants; at whatever time he wants.

Efforts and Try: We should not sit back and do nothing; rather use our minds and hearts to act in the best possible way in all situations… no matter how difficult they might be.

Challenging People: The challenging people lack empathy and helpful attitude to others. They have a feeling of entitlement, would say it’s not our fault and will not take ownership of mistakes. The Toxic or challenging persons may cause us stress and physical health problems, anxiety, eating and sleeping problems and other illnesses.  Hadith says, “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself”.  We should help our brothers or sisters not to suffer from the stress of toxic or challenging persons nor ourselves suffer from this.

But sometimes, it is better to turn away from evil persons, and we will not be blamed but we will be peaceful and happy.

Environment: Good/Challenging: Abu Musa Al-Ash`ari reported:  “The similitude of good company and that of bad company is that of the owner of a musk and of the one blacksmith blowing the fire in bellows. The owner of the musk would either offer you some free of charge, or you would buy it from him, or you smell its pleasant fragrance; and as for the one who blows the bellows (i.e., the blacksmith), he either burns your clothes or you smell a repugnant smell”.

Benefits/Rewards of Reconciliation: Allah the Highest said:

إِنَّمَا ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ إِخۡوَةٌ۬ فَأَصۡلِحُواْ بَيۡنَ أَخَوَيۡكُمۡ‌ۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمۡ تُرۡحَمُونَ (١٠) سُوۡرَةُ الحُجرَات

The believers are nothing else but brothers. So make reconciliation between your brothers, and fear Allâh, so that you may receive mercy. (49.10)

The Prophet (PBUH) told us that reconciling between people is better than observing voluntary fasts, offering voluntary prayers and giving voluntary charity. 

The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S) said: “Anyone who goes to make peace between two persons, the angels of Allah send blessings upon him until he returns, and he will be given the reward of the Night of Destiny (Laylat al-Qadr).”

Coping strategies and Rewards of Patience: “How wonderful is the case of a believer; it is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him”.  This means we should strive to be either in a state of gratitude for good things or in a state of patience when challenging situation

Repel evil with good and win the hearts of enemies: In the Quran, God Almighty describes how to deal with enemies to make them our friends.

وَلَا تَسۡتَوِى ٱلۡحَسَنَةُ وَلَا ٱلسَّيِّئَةُ‌ۚ ٱدۡفَعۡ بِٱلَّتِى هِىَ أَحۡسَنُ فَإِذَا ٱلَّذِى بَيۡنَكَ وَبَيۡنَهُ ۥ عَدَٲوَةٌ۬ كَأَنَّهُ ۥ وَلِىٌّ حَمِيمٌ۬ (٣٤)وَمَا يُلَقَّٮٰهَآ إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ صَبَرُواْ وَمَا يُلَقَّٮٰهَآ إِلَّا ذُو حَظٍّ عَظِيمٍ۬ (٣٥) وَإِمَّا يَنزَغَنَّكَ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَـٰنِ نَزۡغٌ۬ فَٱسۡتَعِذۡ بِٱللَّهِ‌ۖ إِنَّهُ ۥ هُوَ ٱلسَّمِيعُ ٱلۡعَلِيمُ (٣٦) سُوۡرَةُ حٰمٓ السجدة / فُصّلَت

The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend. (34)

But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient – and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world. (35)

And if an evil whisper from Shaitân (Satan) tries to turn you away (O Muhammad SAW) (from doing good), then seek refuge in Allâh. Verily, He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.

Uqbah ibn Amir reported: The Messenger of Allah, PBUH, said: Reconcile with whoever cuts you off, give to whoever deprives you and turn away from whoever wrongs you.

The Prophet also said: And forgive whoever wrongs you. We are good with those who are good with us. But a truly virtuous person is the one who is good to those who are evil to him.

How to Achieve: If one sincerely wishes to convert one’s enemies to one’s intimate friends is to repel their evil with that which is good, and the One Who Created our nature also guides that none will be able to do this great deed except those fortunate ones who exercise patience and practice self-restraint.

No matter whatever evil they may plan or do against us, we must genuinely do good towards them. If they curse and abuse us, you pray for them; if they revile and rebuke us, We should be kind and generous with them; if they wish to take away something from us, we should go ahead and present the thing to them; and if they refuse to give us our right, we make sure we give them all their due rights in full!!!

Conclusion: Let us think of Prophet Yousif  AHS, He was put into a desert well by his brothers, minister Aziz put him into prison, but eventually he forgave all and reconciled with them.  Allah swt, our Lord demands great sacrifice, patience, self-restraint, and above all genuine goodwill towards ones sworn enemies; Time and again the Shaytaan will inspire and instigate the person to seek revenge for the evil; but those who sincerely believe and trust the wisdom of Allah strive to seek refuge from the evil inspirations of the Shaytaan.